Purposeless
by Tsubasa3
Summary: Migeira muses about his purpose, and being caught between two unbelievably wonderful options.


Disclaimer: I do not own Samurai Deeper Kyo by Akimine Kamijyo, the original storyline, the characters, none of it. I am not making a profit off of this in any way and this is only for entertainment purposes.  
  
Note: This is a fic about Migeira, and I don't want to give away what this is about so...I'll just say it involves Okuni in some way. Told from Migeira's POV.  
  
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Purposeless  
  
Justice. I'd die for it. That's my purpose. Justice. I'm meant for that life, that life of justice; I will create that utopia vision with my Muramasa.  
  
And yet, when I turn around, I know I can't have it. I can never create justice, whether it's my purpose or not, I can't do it. Everything drops off of me, my purpose, ideas, my birth right to die for justice; it all disappears. With my purpose gone, what is there? Oh, how I hated it. I should die. No purpose, no justice- what am I doing?  
  
Control. Everyone wants it- in love, life. But now, I have to ask myself- what control? I've lost my control, because I've lost the purpose so important to me only a moment ago. A single moment ago, I had a sense of realness to me.  
  
I should forget about this, it's just a phase. A phase, a phase that comes upon me too often.  
  
When I think about what this stupid 'phase' could do to me it makes me sick! Just thinking about it disgusts me! I can't let that happen to me! No! I am not going to give in to this 'phase'; I am made for justice! But...can I? No. I never can, because of this phase that just won't go away. It makes me scoff at how purposeless my life would become! Can't I just stop it? Won't I ever get over it? Cure me; I need to be.  
  
Idiot. How did it happen? Could I have prevented it? Could some course of action have stopped this altogether? But does it really matter now? I'm already in, trapped. Stupid. Idiotic. Without purpose or point. I hate it so much I can't bear to think about it, yet sometimes I feel utterly addicted to it.  
  
I'm sick. Yes, I'm so sick. I almost hope this is a disease, so that maybe I can feel like it's not my fault. I'm just diseased, influenced by so much. Please tell me I'm sick. I don't want this, I hate it; then why do I crave it so desperately?  
  
I'm twisted, sick, pathetic. It's infathomable, what I find myself desiring, what I've fallen into. Inconceivable, what this is, of all things.  
  
I am repulsed by the very idea, yet I know for a fact that if I ignore it I will lie awake every night for the rest of my life, regretting it, craving it more desperately every moment.  
  
What do I need it for? Nothing, really. If I accept it though, I will always have that lingering thought in the back of my mind of what I could have become. And that would make me more sick than I can imagine. But do I have a choice? No.  
  
Could I live with it? This sickness? Can I live with it, controlling it, keeping it at bay, while still pursuing my purpose? Is it possible? Could I be...somewhere in the middle?  
  
I know what I want, don't I? If I can decide that definitely for myself, maybe I can cope. All or nothing, or somewhere in the middle...? Which one? Purpose? Death? Is either one reachable though?  
  
In the end though, I'm purposeless when I turn around. Purposeless. I have to get over this. I have to cope, and have both. I have to commit myself to this, and pursue my purposes as well.  
  
You. You are the one who makes me purposeless. I'm so in love with you. Won't you have me? Is there anything I can do?  
  
My purpose is justice...and you. My sickness is love. My craving is for your affections. My repulsion is commitment to you. Am I willing to abandon so much just for you?  
  
......I think so.  
  
~~~~~~~~~  
  
I did a lot of twisting, didn't I? A lot of you didn't know what was going on for part of that, did you? That was the idea. I wanted to express and twist and mutilate and disect this infathomable emotion of love in as many ways as I could. Migeira had to weigh out how much he'd be sacrificing for this love, but also he would be gaining one of his ultimate desires. And yes, he was talking about Okuni. He feels like he needs to accomplish justice, but he wants to be with Okuni as well. I hope that you understand it now, that it's been explained. I am very satisfied with the results and I have to say, I am proud of this. I think it definitely shows some of my writer's "spirit". Thanks so much for reading! 


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